ROYAL OUT-OF-TOUCHINESS

Dame Edna uninvited to The Wedding

By NED BELLY

LEVEL-HEADED TV viewers will be denied the opportunity of watching The Wedding from a less obsequious perspective as the result of a ban by the royals’ humour-less media department. The ABC has been forced to cancel its satirical royal wedding special featuring The Chaser satirical comedy team, after Buckingham Palace announced new restrictions banning drama, satirical and entertainment programs from using footage of the ceremony.

It is believed the restrictions could also affect Channel Ten’s comedy program The 7PM Project and panel show The Circle, and the Nine Network’s wedding coverage featuring Dame Edna Everage.

The ABC had been heavily promoting the live special, saying it would be “uninformed and unconstitutional”, after initially being advised by the BBC and Associated Press Television News there would be no restrictions. Over Easter, however, Clarence House, Prince William’s press office, the BBC and APTN, which is supplying a worldwide feed of the ceremony, reached agreement to gag coverage.

Noting that the ABC had acted in good faith in its negotiations for the program, ABC TV director Kim Dalton said, “We’re surprised and disappointed at this very late stage to be informed that any satirical or comedic treatment of the marriage of Australia’s future head of state has been banned.”

Added The Chaser’s Julian Morrow, “The Chaser team accepts that the ABC has been put in an impossible position by people acting on behalf of the royal family. For a monarchy to be issuing decrees about how the media should cover them seems quite out of keeping with modern democratic times… but I suppose that’s exactly what the monarchy is.

“Everyone loves a royal wedding,” added Murrow, “except perhaps the Queen, who didn’t even bother going to the last one, but The Chaser couldn’t be more thrilled to be covering the big day. And who knows – if it goes well, hopefully they ask us back next year to cover the divorce.”

And that, as David Donovan so eloquently argues in The Punch, is all the more reason (if any were needed) for putting Australia on the fast-track to a republic…

ATT: The Queen

Dear Australian Head of State,

We would like to place ourselves at your mercy and request a stay of execution for our television program, The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary.

We, like Kate, are commoners, and were looking forward to celebrating her wedding to your exalted grandson with a few affectionate observations.

To ensure that our coverage was respectful, we were only planning to use jokes that Prince Phillip has previously made in public, or at least the ones that don’t violate racial vilification laws. We’ve also filmed a joke about hunting grouse which we think you might enjoy.

We Australians are a simple people who don’t often get to watch that kind of pomp. The last big wedding we had here was Scott and Charlene on Neighbours. We’ve asked around, and there are at least six people in this outpost of your empire who would quite like to watch our commentary.

Please consider our plea.

We have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servants,

Cheers,
The Chaser