POSTCARD from BRIZOL

The Tale Of The Goblet That Didn’t Come Home

By Barrie Suart

ONCE UPON A TIME  11 Englishmen lost a precious goblet while journeying in Africa in a land called Fifa. Their leader, Don Cornetto Capello, was instructed by his sponsor, Lady Cheryl of Newcastle-upon-Cole, to go back and find it.

Unfortunately, the rulers of Fifa did not speak English and could only receive communications in large brown envelopes. Don Cornetto had only euros, and could no longer claim on expenses, so he returned without the goblet.

In any case, nobody in the land could understand a word he said. So, behold, three worthy squires of the realm – David Beckingham, David of Cameroon and Master Wills of Middleton in Teesdale – were dispatched to put the foreigners in their place.

However, on their arrival they were informed that the goblet had been stolen by a Russian, Olly Garksky, who had taken it away in a very large brown paper envelope he had brought with him.

The three knights returned to their homeland in great fury and declared war on Russia and Fifa.

But, lo, it came to pass that they could find no cannonballs and no ships. Moreover, the company coffers were empty. So they decided to have a royal wedding instead.

Thus the handsome prince William wedded that tasty bit of skirt, Katie of Poundland, whom he had met at a Partypoppers do at their boarding school in the province of Scotlandia.

They were beginning to live happily ever after when the prince’s father, Carlos the Green, and his succulent stepmother, Caramella Park and Ride, aided by the cunning grandfather, Philippus the Macadamia, took… (to be continued).

SOCCER and DIVORCE