(IMAGEN © TURISMO ANDALUZ, S.A.)

…ACRONYM for Spanish Ministry of the Environment’s Planes de Ordenación de Recursos Naturales department, which looks after the nation’s natural resources: P.O.R.N.

Oh yes… and the winner was Leila Lopes from Angola. Miss Australia Scherri-Lee Biggs, who was also reprimanded by the organisers for an “offensively see-through” evening gown and a “way too sexy” bikini, finished in the top 10.

IT MIGHT be a mystery for the Punch columnist but here in Spain we are all-too familiar with the dear soul with the “furrowed” lines. It’s the indomitable Doña María del Rosario Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, a grandee of Spain and current head of the House of Alba. According to the Guinness Book of Records, she is the aristocrat with the highest number of titles recognised by an existing government.

A favoured target of Spain’s TV gossip programmes, the 128-year-old socialite duchess is due to marry 61-year-old civil servant Alfonso Díez Carabantes in October. She reportedly overcame the objections of her children by giving them their inheritance in advance.

Okay, the photo is not of the furrowed noble but rather “Cayetana, Duquesa de Alba”, one of the characters in the satirical TV show La Escobilla Nacional that aired on Antena 3 in 2010.

Marriage of InConvenience

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AN ATTEMPT by Australian TV presenter Karl Stefanovic from Channel 9’s Today show to tell a Dalai Lama joke to the man himself backfired with hilarious results, at least for viewers. As elements of the joke were translated to the religious leader, he mostly maintained a blank stare though he did laugh when Stefanovic tried to explain the joke.

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By NED BELLY

LEVEL-HEADED TV viewers will be denied the opportunity of watching The Wedding from a less obsequious perspective as the result of a ban by the royals’ humour-less media department. The ABC has been forced to cancel its satirical royal wedding special featuring The Chaser satirical comedy team, after Buckingham Palace announced new restrictions banning drama, satirical and entertainment programs from using footage of the ceremony.

It is believed the restrictions could also affect Channel Ten’s comedy program The 7PM Project and panel show The Circle, and the Nine Network’s wedding coverage featuring Dame Edna Everage.

The ABC had been heavily promoting the live special, saying it would be “uninformed and unconstitutional”, after initially being advised by the BBC and Associated Press Television News there would be no restrictions. Over Easter, however, Clarence House, Prince William’s press office, the BBC and APTN, which is supplying a worldwide feed of the ceremony, reached agreement to gag coverage.

Noting that the ABC had acted in good faith in its negotiations for the program, ABC TV director Kim Dalton said, “We’re surprised and disappointed at this very late stage to be informed that any satirical or comedic treatment of the marriage of Australia’s future head of state has been banned.”

Added The Chaser’s Julian Morrow, “The Chaser team accepts that the ABC has been put in an impossible position by people acting on behalf of the royal family. For a monarchy to be issuing decrees about how the media should cover them seems quite out of keeping with modern democratic times… but I suppose that’s exactly what the monarchy is.

“Everyone loves a royal wedding,” added Murrow, “except perhaps the Queen, who didn’t even bother going to the last one, but The Chaser couldn’t be more thrilled to be covering the big day. And who knows – if it goes well, hopefully they ask us back next year to cover the divorce.”

And that, as David Donovan so eloquently argues in The Punch, is all the more reason (if any were needed) for putting Australia on the fast-track to a republic…

ATT: The Queen

Dear Australian Head of State,

We would like to place ourselves at your mercy and request a stay of execution for our television program, The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary.

We, like Kate, are commoners, and were looking forward to celebrating her wedding to your exalted grandson with a few affectionate observations.

To ensure that our coverage was respectful, we were only planning to use jokes that Prince Phillip has previously made in public, or at least the ones that don’t violate racial vilification laws. We’ve also filmed a joke about hunting grouse which we think you might enjoy.

We Australians are a simple people who don’t often get to watch that kind of pomp. The last big wedding we had here was Scott and Charlene on Neighbours. We’ve asked around, and there are at least six people in this outpost of your empire who would quite like to watch our commentary.

Please consider our plea.

We have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servants,

Cheers,
The Chaser

A film by Juan Fernando, Andrés Parrilla and Esteban Roel García Vázquez – one of the finalists in the ninth edition of the Jameson Notodofilmfest internet-based short film festival

Synopsis: Only somebody brave, with a rebel soul, may enter the jungle of the outlaw and fight face to face against the most dangerous men on this side of the river…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

NO-FRILLS DRINKING

Arriving at a hotel in Dublin, Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman nodded and said, “That will be one euro please, Mr O’Leary””, to which the Ryanair supremo replied, “That’s a very competitive price”, and handed over his money.
“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

SECURITY KOWTOWING

WILDCAT ALARM

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By Barrie Suart

ONCE UPON A TIME  11 Englishmen lost a precious goblet while journeying in Africa in a land called Fifa. Their leader, Don Cornetto Capello, was instructed by his sponsor, Lady Cheryl of Newcastle-upon-Cole, to go back and find it.

Unfortunately, the rulers of Fifa did not speak English and could only receive communications in large brown envelopes. Don Cornetto had only euros, and could no longer claim on expenses, so he returned without the goblet.

In any case, nobody in the land could understand a word he said. So, behold, three worthy squires of the realm – David Beckingham, David of Cameroon and Master Wills of Middleton in Teesdale – were dispatched to put the foreigners in their place.

However, on their arrival they were informed that the goblet had been stolen by a Russian, Olly Garksky, who had taken it away in a very large brown paper envelope he had brought with him.

The three knights returned to their homeland in great fury and declared war on Russia and Fifa.

But, lo, it came to pass that they could find no cannonballs and no ships. Moreover, the company coffers were empty. So they decided to have a royal wedding instead.

Thus the handsome prince William wedded that tasty bit of skirt, Katie of Poundland, whom he had met at a Partypoppers do at their boarding school in the province of Scotlandia.

They were beginning to live happily ever after when the prince’s father, Carlos the Green, and his succulent stepmother, Caramella Park and Ride, aided by the cunning grandfather, Philippus the Macadamia, took… (to be continued).

SOCCER and DIVORCE