By September, she was number three – the highest-ranked Belarusian player in the history of the women’s tour, two better than Natasha Zvereva. Now the 2007 US Open (with Max Mirnyi) and 2008 French Open (Bob Bryan) mixed doubles champion has secured her first singles Glam Slam title, with a comprehensive Australian Open triumph over fellow arch-grunter Maria Sharapova of Russia, and wrested number one spot from Caroline Wozniacki – who had held on to the position since October 2010 in spite of still seeking her own first Grand Slam victory.

Azarenka’s win made it a rare double: she was also the Australian Open junior singles champion in 2005, the same year she won the US Open junior title and was named the ITF Junior Girls World Champion. Her first career WTA title was the 2009 Brisbane International, and earlier this year, in the lead-up to the 2012 Australian Open, she won the Apia International Sydney tournament.

Dinara Safina signing autographs

Svetlana Kuznetsova and Anabel Medina visit Marbella’s Old Town

Winning style from Azarenka

A friend “very high up in the media world who has been tapping the phones in Australia House for many years” gave Barry Humphries an inkling. “I can’t tell you his name; he is married to a Chinese girl. He said it was between me and Julian Assange and it turned out to be me.”

In his acceptance speech after being named Australian of the Year in the UK, comedy legend Humphries borrowed a celebrated quote from that same unnamed friend’s comments to a British parliamentary committee on phone hacking in 2011, “This is the most humble day of my life.”

He won the award, presented at a ceremony at Australia House in London, after a 50-year theatre career, highlighted by his alter egos “priapic and inebriated cultural attaché” Sir Les Patterson, archetypal Aussie bloke Barry “Bazza” McKenzie and housewife “gigastar” Dame Edna Everage.  The latter would be jealous, he said. “Well it’s about time really, I think.”

Seventy-seven-year-old Humphries already holds the title of Officer of the Order of Australia. Wine writer Matthew Jukes was named Honorary Australian of the Year and the Young Australian of the Year award went to fashion consultant Yasmin Sewell.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Oh yes… and the winner was Leila Lopes from Angola. Miss Australia Scherri-Lee Biggs, who was also reprimanded by the organisers for an “offensively see-through” evening gown and a “way too sexy” bikini, finished in the top 10.

IT MIGHT be a mystery for the Punch columnist but here in Spain we are all-too familiar with the dear soul with the “furrowed” lines. It’s the indomitable Doña María del Rosario Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, a grandee of Spain and current head of the House of Alba. According to the Guinness Book of Records, she is the aristocrat with the highest number of titles recognised by an existing government.

A favoured target of Spain’s TV gossip programmes, the 128-year-old socialite duchess is due to marry 61-year-old civil servant Alfonso Díez Carabantes in October. She reportedly overcame the objections of her children by giving them their inheritance in advance.

Okay, the photo is not of the furrowed noble but rather “Cayetana, Duquesa de Alba”, one of the characters in the satirical TV show La Escobilla Nacional that aired on Antena 3 in 2010.

Marriage of InConvenience

AN ATTEMPT by Australian TV presenter Karl Stefanovic from Channel 9’s Today show to tell a Dalai Lama joke to the man himself backfired with hilarious results, at least for viewers. As elements of the joke were translated to the religious leader, he mostly maintained a blank stare though he did laugh when Stefanovic tried to explain the joke.

Click here to view the embedded video.

By NED BELLY

LEVEL-HEADED TV viewers will be denied the opportunity of watching The Wedding from a less obsequious perspective as the result of a ban by the royals’ humour-less media department. The ABC has been forced to cancel its satirical royal wedding special featuring The Chaser satirical comedy team, after Buckingham Palace announced new restrictions banning drama, satirical and entertainment programs from using footage of the ceremony.

It is believed the restrictions could also affect Channel Ten’s comedy program The 7PM Project and panel show The Circle, and the Nine Network’s wedding coverage featuring Dame Edna Everage.

The ABC had been heavily promoting the live special, saying it would be “uninformed and unconstitutional”, after initially being advised by the BBC and Associated Press Television News there would be no restrictions. Over Easter, however, Clarence House, Prince William’s press office, the BBC and APTN, which is supplying a worldwide feed of the ceremony, reached agreement to gag coverage.

Noting that the ABC had acted in good faith in its negotiations for the program, ABC TV director Kim Dalton said, “We’re surprised and disappointed at this very late stage to be informed that any satirical or comedic treatment of the marriage of Australia’s future head of state has been banned.”

Added The Chaser’s Julian Morrow, “The Chaser team accepts that the ABC has been put in an impossible position by people acting on behalf of the royal family. For a monarchy to be issuing decrees about how the media should cover them seems quite out of keeping with modern democratic times… but I suppose that’s exactly what the monarchy is.

“Everyone loves a royal wedding,” added Murrow, “except perhaps the Queen, who didn’t even bother going to the last one, but The Chaser couldn’t be more thrilled to be covering the big day. And who knows – if it goes well, hopefully they ask us back next year to cover the divorce.”

And that, as David Donovan so eloquently argues in The Punch, is all the more reason (if any were needed) for putting Australia on the fast-track to a republic…

ATT: The Queen

Dear Australian Head of State,

We would like to place ourselves at your mercy and request a stay of execution for our television program, The Chaser’s Royal Wedding Commentary.

We, like Kate, are commoners, and were looking forward to celebrating her wedding to your exalted grandson with a few affectionate observations.

To ensure that our coverage was respectful, we were only planning to use jokes that Prince Phillip has previously made in public, or at least the ones that don’t violate racial vilification laws. We’ve also filmed a joke about hunting grouse which we think you might enjoy.

We Australians are a simple people who don’t often get to watch that kind of pomp. The last big wedding we had here was Scott and Charlene on Neighbours. We’ve asked around, and there are at least six people in this outpost of your empire who would quite like to watch our commentary.

Please consider our plea.

We have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servants,

Cheers,
The Chaser

ONE WEEK before, Wests Tigers and New Zealand star Benji Marshall had been named the “face of rugby league” as the new NRL season loomed. He said at the time he wanted to be “the player that kids want to be when they grow up”.

He is now facing assault charges for allegedly punching a man in the mouth after suffering racial taunts but, unlike other footballers caught en flagrante in varying scenarios of boorish behaviour, public drunkenness or sexual peccadilloes, Marshall has overwhelming public support.

He had just hosted Footy Rocks, a fund-raising event in Sydney for the Children’s Cancer Institute of Australia, and went out with some mates for a couple of beers (there is no suggestion he had over-indulged) and around 3am they were leaving a popular international “hamburger” chain (a less defendable pursuit) when he was confronted by a 24-year-old man.

As Marshall’s manager, Martin Tauber, recounts it, the footballer was racially abused by a group of eight to 10 people. “One of them started to shout at him and said, ‘Go back to New Zealand, you black c…’. He (Marshall) tried to walk away from him – he tried to make light of it and then the guy did it again.”

The 24-year-old reportedly sustained a small facial cut and reported the incident to police.

Reading a prepared statement following the incident and his arrest, Marshall thanked the West Tigers club and members of the public for their support. He refused to comment on the specifics of the case, other than to confirm he would fight the charge of assault occasioning actual bodily harm when he appears in court on 20 April.

“The last several days have obviously been very stressful for myself and my family particularly as they have resulted in me being charged by police. I have been advised by my lawyers that because I have been charged it is necessary now to allow the legal process to take its course. I can, however, confirm my intention to defend the charge. I also look forward to taking my place in the Wests Tigers team this weekend.”

The NRL authorities decided not to take any action for the time being, noting that there was no evidence that he had been drunk or brought the game into disrepute prior to the alleged incident, so it was purely a matter to be resolved by the courts.

For those unfamiliar with the 26-year-old’s skills, check out these two examples of his footballing wizardry.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

(Photo by Mark Thompson/Getty Images)

LAST SEASON Mark Webber became the first Australian since Alan Jones in 1981 to lead the Formula 1 driver’s championship. Coming into the final race in Abu Dhabi he had a chance of joining Jones (1980) and Jack Brabham (1959, 1960, 1966) as the only Australian world champions but a poor pit strategy thwarted his chances and he finished third overall in the season-long championship behind arch-rival and Red Bull team-mate Sebastian Vettel and Fernando Alonso.

(Photo by Mark Thompson/Getty Images)

The 34-year-old from Queenbeyan (New South Wales), who made his Grand Prix debut with Minardi in 2002, won four times in 2010, having broken through for his first (and second) career titles the previous year when finally given the chance to drive a competitive race car.

After pre-season testing in Barcelona in February, he spoke to Formula1.com about the 2011 season ahead. Excerpts from that interview…

Everybody is looking forward to the start of the season. Is the team confident?

Absolutely. And a day like today is also evidence of how well the team is operating. There are a lot of positives, but for sure we are not getting ahead of ourselves. We have some serious competition out there so we need to keep on working hard.

From your praise of the car does that mean that the Red Bull will be as strong as last year?

I truly hope so. We had an amazing year last year and we are pushing hard this season to achieve a similar goal – at least that is what we are trying to do. I am sure it will be as tough as last year as we have a lot of competitive teams around. We are all starting again from zero and they have the same opportunity as us.

(Photo by Mark Thompson/Getty Images)

What did you learn from last season and make different this year?

Oh god, obviously I’ve done a lot of things right last season. You always have to keep the positives. But then you might say: you haven’t won the championship so what did I do wrong? I messed up by one fourth place so it was indeed a fine line, and I should have finished the race in Korea – that is obvious now. So what will I do different this season? Be patient and finish every single race. And believe me that is not easy.

How will it be, having to fight the world champion in your own team?

I am not only fighting Sebastian. There are a lot of other guys out there that you have to consider as well. There is Lewis (Hamilton) and Jenson (Button) and of course Fernando (Alonso). And we will miss Robert (Kubica).

From what you know now, what will be the decisive factor this season?

Reliability is always an issue. Ferrari is pretty good at that and we are also doing quite well at the moment. That is the first thing that you have to get right. Last year it hurt Seb quite a bit, so we need to get that right and then of course performance is the thing to have. But we are getting there.